Don’t believe anyone can read your mind.
Communication–such a simple word, such an extraordinarily difficult concept. It so happens that if you fail in this rule, you’ll be in company with every other person who exists or has ever existed. So why bother if perfect communication is unattainable? Because poor communication leads to a vast array of problems, the most common of which will be your own unhappiness. I’m not talking about miscommunication secondary to language or accent differences, I’m talking about two people who understand each other perfectly, but can’t convey what they feel and what they need.
So where does it all start? Why do human beings in general have problems with communication? I think the main reason is because it’s just plain hard. As a writer, I am trying to communicate with you, but you are in a different place and a different time than I am. As I sit here, it’s a nice, sunny day in the Southeast, school has just let out and I hear the occasional groan of busses passing by the house. This scene in my head is perfectly clear for me right now. But for you, wherever and whenever you are, it will be different. You may not see the day as brightly as I do, you may imagine a different kind of school bus.
Another confounding variable is that science tells us that no two people really see the world exactly the same way. If you are depressed, the world actually seems more gray and, well, more depressing. If you are extraordinarily happy, the world seems bright and colorful and wonderful. When you add in the differences in each of us caused by the differing conditions of our sensory modalities (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell), you see that the relay of information is always going to be a challenge–but not impossible.
There are two areas we especially need to learn good communication if we are to stand a chance at happiness: our needs and our wants. Our needs obviously take priority here, and most of us are pretty good about communicating our basic needs like food, clothing, and shelter. What I’d like to talk about are our more subtle needs. These are the psychological needs that each of us have. These needs might be odd or eccentric, but we should be able to talk about them nonetheless. They are “needs” after all. For example, let’s say you require a good deal of solitude. You know this about yourself. It’s true now; it always has been true. If you find yourself in a situation where you are around people all day long every day of the week, guess what? You’ll start to get grumpy. The grumpiness will graduate to irritability, maybe even hostility. All because you never spoke up and said, “Hey, I need an hour to myself every day.”
You’re probably thinking, sure, I could ask for that, but what I’ll get in return is: “Yeah, well we all wish we could get an hour to ourselves. Life is tough.” Okay, truth be told, this might happen, but the point is, you have to ask or it will never happen. You have to respect your own psychological needs, and you have to convey those needs in a way that others can understand. Make your communication specific to your audience. If you live with a psychologist, you might say you need your personal time because you were raised as a latchkey kid and without that time, you tend towards depression and irritability. But you wouldn’t tell your kids that. You’d tell them that you needed time to rest, and that would be sufficient.
The second part of communication is to be able to talk about your desires. You would probably be amazed at how many people I’ve counseled who come in and say, “My wife just doesn’t understand me.” Or, “My husband has no clue who I am.”
Why not? The problem most often is that people decide a good partner should be able to read minds. I’m not kidding. They think the partner should be able to know, from a glance or a tone of voice, nearly everything that has happened to that person and what they will need to get better. I sometimes wonder if this is a direct result of the “one true love” myth I talked about earlier. Wherever it came from, I can tell you this: There is no person that can read your mind and automatically know all your desires or needs. I don’t even think a psychic would make this claim.
If you want something in life, you have to ask for it. You have to decide what that thing is, and you have to put energy into making it happen. This step, putting energy into making it happen, is a major downfall for all sorts of plans, but I’m telling you it’s as basic a principle to well-being as there is. You have to expend energy to be happy. In this case it means asking for what you want.
Remember this, true communication is difficult, but if you know yourself well enough to know your wants and your needs, and you put energy into conveying that information to those you want to know about it, you will find that most of your needs will be met, and many of your desires.
