Don’t make parenting harder than it already is.
This is an example of something easier to say than do, but here goes. There are really only two rules to being a decent parent: choose your battles wisely and when you make a stand, make it forever. Okay, there it is. Now run off and teach parenting classes.
I wish it were that easy.
Notice I didn’t say these are the rules for being a great parent; I said decent parent. I think too many of us get caught up in the notion that we have to be the greatest parents who ever walked the planet. The first thing I learned when training in child psychiatry was that you just have to be a good enough parent. The rest is up to the child. And always remember this, a big portion of how a child behaves (I’d say between fifty and seventy percent) is genetically determined. Remember when your mother said, “I can’t wait ‘til you have kids?” Well, she knew what she was talking about.
Okay, back to the rules. The first rule is to choose your battles wisely. I’ve seen this rule messed up in both directions. First, you have the over-controlling parent who tries to manage every single behavior of their child. As you might imagine, the child simply quits listening after a while. The word “no”, when used to excess, simply carries no meaning. When you add in some form of corporal punishment to the word “no”, it may hold the child in check a little longer, but the end result is still the same. If you try to control a child too much, you lose all control. Maybe not in the short run, but somewhere, somehow, that child will rebel. And the rebellion is usually directly proportional to the degree of control exerted.
There is a reason for this, and it’s the same reason people don’t like to take medicines (a problem I am infinitely familiar with). People don’t like to take medicine because in a very real way they are giving up control over their body. Take the example of high cholesterol. Many people will kill themselves with diet and exercise to try to cure this problem, but the rub of it is high cholesterol is about eighty percent genetic. But it’s the issue of control that makes them avoid the medicine. People want to feel like they have some control of their life, and if you dominate a child as a parent, the need to rebel will become a powerful drive for your child. A child has to feel like they have some power.
The opposite reaction to the first part of this rule is when people don’t try to control their child at all. They basically run free, unchecked. Obviously, this won’t work. A parent has to substitute their judgment for a child because a child’s judgment is not very good. In fact, the parts of our brain that help us with judgment continue to mature until we’re about twenty-five years old, so a little parental input even into the mid-twenties is probably reasonable. Another reason a parent has to impose rules on a child is simply for safety. If a child is left unchecked, they will make poor decisions, and they will get hurt, physically or emotionally. When this happens, the world starts to seem like a dangerous place. In many ways, a child, and even a teenager, wants to feel contained, although they may not be aware of this on a conscious level. I’ve seen many adults who were furious at their parents for not controlling them a little better when they were young.
The second part of the rule is when you make a stand, make it forever. When you do decide you are going to put your foot down, you cannot change your mind. I don’t care if the child pitches a fit, screams, rolls on the floor, holds their breath, or threatens you, you don’t back down. Ever. Children are clever. If you back down, they will see that they have power over you, and like I said earlier, children like to have power. They will try to push your buttons emotionally (crying, pitching a fit, embarrassing you in restaurants) or physically (hitting, tearing things up) to try to get their way. When a child gets their way one time because of poor behavior, guess what, a little light goes off in their head that says I can get what I want if I just have a big enough fit.
Think about this. If you played the slot machines and never won, would you keep playing? No. There is no reward. But if you play and every once in a while the machine lights up and money comes flying out, you’re liable to play for a long time. This principle in psychology is call intermittent positive reinforcement. If you allow you’re child to crack your defenses on occasion, you have become a slot machine. They will play you without end. One last thing, if you realize the importance of this rule, then the importance of choosing your battles wisely is magnified. If you know you have to stand behind a decision permanently, you’ll be much more careful about the decisions you make about your children.
Remember, parenting, like so many other things, requires a philosophy of moderation. You have to control a child enough that they feel safe and structured, and you have to allow them enough freedom to explore and even make some mistakes. Is this easy? To answer this question, think about this: People have been parenting now for about twenty thousand years, and books still pop up every day about how to do it right.
