Don’t complain.
Lou Holtz, a famous NCAA football coach, is reported to have said: “Don’t complain. Ninety percent of the people you complain to don’t care about your problems and the other ten percent are glad you have them.”
I think Lou was right on. When we complain, what we’re basically doing is taking our problems and throwing them out there for someone else to bat around. When you do this, most people will feel obliged to do one of two things: solve the problem or provide solace to help you deal with the problem. It’s just human nature; it will happen. So when you complain, you are, in a very real way, burdening someone else. Why do you think psychiatrists and psychologists get paid to do what they do? It’s because no one else wants to. Solving problems and providing empathy to those with problems is difficult and exhausting if you do it for too long. As a psychiatrist, I’ve always had to work a fairly low number of hours a day, not because psychiatry is physically demanding (you just sit there), but because of the emotional toll it creates. I was just as tired after a particularly bad day in psychiatry as I was after a particularly hard day playing football. That’s how demanding it can be.
I’m not saying you should never burden other people with your problems. There is a time and a place for everything. If you feel overwhelmed by your problems, always share these feelings with friends, family, or health professionals. Tell people who ask and genuinely want to know your concerns your problems. Don’t tell someone who casually asks how you’re doing. And remember, if most of your conversations with someone revolve around your problems, then that’s a one-way relationship, and odds are, you’re wearing the other person out.
In general, if you complain a lot, people will not want to be around you. Ironically, the complainer is the person who very likely needs friends and social support more than anyone.
I’m not advocating that you pretend that everything is always wonderful, but just remember, every time you unload your problems on someone else, you are placing a very real burden on them.
